Growing Up

I've had a lot going on, many things I've wanted to blog about this week which means that none of them have ultimately been blogged.

I just found out that In Bruges is opening in limited release tomorrow, rather than a month from now. I've already got my tickets and will be posting a proper review either tomorrow or Saturday.

But I just wanted to post some quick thoughts I've had on "growing up" today. Thanks to a particular job that I will be blogging about when it is closer to completion, I've become pretty much self-sufficient. I've been able to pay off the debt I accumulated from my attempt to make a fan film about six years ago (it is appropriate, and one could argue ironic, that the debt I accumulated due to a fan film has been paid off by my work on another fan film), square off other debts I've accumulated from not being able to pay because of the other debt, and get on-pace with paying rent and such on time.

I would be remiss if I weren't to show my appreciation for Ryan for supporting me when I couldn't make rent, letting me go sometimes several months until I landed a gig that let me pay him back. Our other roommates Brian and Katie have also shouldered the burden in smaller but no less significant ways and I'm grateful to them as well.

But as I said, all accounts are squared and current now and, with any luck, they'll stay that way. Probably I'm not quite out of the lean years, and paying off one debt only means I'm looking at plunging into a greater risk/greater reward situation (for example, I will be taking out a loan to purchase the RED camera when my number comes up -- post about the camera forthcoming), but it's given me an opportunity to take a new stock of my life now that it, if temporarily, belongs to me again.

This goes back to the first part of a post I made way back when I first started the blog. My birthday is about 6 weeks off. I'll be 25. My tastes and interests have obviously changed since I was 12, but I find that there's been a quiet shift some time even in the last year.

I have to be honest: the most exciting thing to me about turning 25 is seeing how much my car insurance is going to decrease. I won't find out what my next term premium is until a couple days after my birthday, and I'm actually looking forward to it.

After paying off my standing debt, I "treated" myself by purchasing a new washing machine, and a brand-new couch for the living room.

My God. I think I've officially become Danny Tanner.

Now, I don't want to sound like I didn't buy anything cool (as funny as it is to imply that). The purchase of the couch was precipitated by the purchase of a new HDTV¹, the mounting of which required a re-arrangement of the living room furniture. I'll admit I've got kind of a gadget fetish; I inherited it from my dad, who was an early adopter of pretty much everything. But the fact remains that I was more excited about the fact that the HDTV meant a new couch, than the HDTV itself.

I think I'm reaching a point where I'm ready to settle a bit. Not necessarily the "settle down, raise a family" yadda yadda. But in the last 8 years I've moved six times; my "permanent" address shifted around as my parents got divorced²; and I've held six different jobs (okay, four and two long-term freelance gigs).

I think I've reached the point in my life when I want to have a home that is mine. Not a place I'm staying until I move again. I lived in my last apartment for almost three years and it never really felt like I had put down any roots, always as if I were just waiting until the next step. I'm ready to make a home somewhere, and I think my buying the couch means I'm ready to make it here.

Obviously I'm still renting, and I still have roommates. As to the latter, I'm glad about that. I have never lived "alone" and I don't think I could do it. I've always had roommates -- friends, family -- and I don't think living alone would suit me. I would obviously like to own my home but I can live with renting (especially with the real estate market the way it is -- Christ, I actually just said that).

The interesting part, looking at this all, is that I used to miss being a kid. The first few years of my life were very heavily documented with my father's giant VHS camcorder, and I never watched them. For one thing, because I don't watch VHS anymore as a matter of principle. But for another, I found them depressing. I missed the days where I didn't have to worry about anything, no responsibilities, no real fears or concerns.

But I was telling a friend of mine about that recently and I realized, in saying so, that I don't feel that way anymore. Sure, I still kind of miss the easy-going life I didn't appreciate when I had it, but at the same time, I kind of don't. I like being self-sufficient.

I've come to realize that the responsibilities of being an adult -- paying the gas bill, paying insurance, making your own appointments for things -- are worth it for the freedoms of being an adult. And while materialism isn't the best way to live your life, at the same time there IS comfort to be found in having nice things. If only because they represent my freedom as an adult. That is my television, that is my couch. I didn't get them secondhand off friends or Craigslist. I bought them brand new with my own money that I made with my own hard work and talents, and I keep them in the place I call home, the roof over my head that I keep there with my money (and the good graces of my friends).

So of course there's always a balance in self-sufficiency. I couldn't afford to live where I live without roommates; and as I mentioned above, I'm not sure I could emotionally handle living alone anyway. My point is not so much "I'm doing it all on my own", but more "I'm living by my own choices." And that's a really good feeling.

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1. I actually bought two, if we're being honest. One for the living room, and another, smaller one that I've mounted by my computer. I actually bought a number of things that I needed for the quality and security of the job, but I'll get into them later. The only thing cooler than having the money to buy gadgets is being REQUIRED to buy gadgets you want, as part of the job.↩


2. Please don't offer your sympathies and don't be sorry. I'm not; everyone is happier this way. ↩